Yesterday was one of my lowest days in such a long time.
It all started pretty well...... a nice lay in, going to the hairdressers and whilst I was sitting there the dysphoria I hadn't felt in such a long time kicked in. All I could see in the mirror was a man looking back at me.
I felt sick.
I just wanted to get up and leave but when you're mid appointment its not really that easy. The salon I go to are all amazing and accepting, but this was down to me and me alone.
I didn't take the usual selfie I do when I have my hair done. I just wanted to rush home and lock myself in my room. I sat for hours as it darkened in my room with no music or tv and turned my phone off.
I just focused on how shit I was, how crap I looked and felt like no matter what I did I wouldn't feel different.
I reached out to a friend who is all trans and who I haven't seen since I moved up north. I told him how I felt. Told him how I was going to cancel my plans of going to my friends birthday party and I was going to sit in and drink instead.
He reminded me that I'd felt like this so many times previously, but still I had left the house.
He reminded me that no matter how I felt now, if I stayed in I wouldn't feel any different.
He told me to blast some Blondie and to get ready and then if I didn't feel like it I could always not go out.
But he told me to make the effort to try.
So having messaged my friend who's birthday it was that I couldn't come because I was so down, I told her again to scrap that because I was coming.
I blasted Blondie and I got ready.
The music lifted me. The action of getting ready reminded me how much I loved going out.
Checking in, my friend told me that she didn't mind if I wasn't up to coming out and I needn't if I was struggling.
I went anyway.
Those feelings were still there but I wasn't going to let them stop me from supporting my friend on her birthday.
I got there and I spoke to a few people I trust about how I felt and a lot of them told me they too go through the same stuff.... I know so many beautiful women inside and out who hate how they look, who suffer from a perceived lack of beauty and how others see them.
So many times we stop ourselves from doing the stuff we want to because we're worried about how others are looking at us. Forgetting that it's all about how we see ourself that's most important.
My friends were so supportive and talking about all of this really helped me so much. Talking about your mental health and wellbeing is so important. Since transitioning I've discovered I can speak so much more freely because I don't have to hide who I am anymore.
It still blows me away how many people feel the same. Those who you wouldn't imagine that do, do.
The night was a really great night.
We supported each other.
I sang Oasis, with two of the most beautiful ladies I know who are both from Manchester at a party in Manchester! I've never felt so Northern!
The next time you're feeling lonely.
The next time you're feeling lost.
Reach out to your friends.
I guarantee even the ones who you think are coping and don't have feelings of doubt probably do.