I honestly thought that in love I would find it easier post transition because one of the main things my transition has given me is the ability to be 100% truthful for the first time in my life.
Let's face it one of the main gripes people have in their relationships is the lack of honesty.
I'm always honest and open about my being transgender in any relationship because I firmly believe that if I don't tell someone that that I will never have their trust. I also hate being lied to and why lie about something so fundamental?
Being transgender the dating the pool is somewhat diminished and so like most of us in the modern world I've used all of the dating apps: Tinder; PoF; Match.com; Her, the list goes on. I've lost count of the number of times I've had match, asked if they've read my profile and then as if by magic she just disappears!
Then there's the ladies who say that they respect me and my honesty, think I'm brave, but could ever date me because I'm trans. At least they're honest!
I also get the ones asking me to send them pictures, usually these are fakes and I never do! I've been asked by men on LinkedIn to send them pictures! I mean of all the bloody cheek!!
I've also had a few dates from some of the apps, some have disappeared and one in particular kept dissappearing and then rematching. After a few times of this happening, we finally met having messaged back and forwards for about 6 weeks.
We're similar ages and so have similar cultural references, we love all the same music, physically the attraction was there too. I mean if you could much 2 people to more compatible I'd love to see it.
The thing was that she said she wasn't ready to be in a relationship and she told me this. I said I was fine with this and I'm not going to go into further details but lets just say it was incredible!
The weeks went on and the messaging was constant - then she said she loved me. Confused as a I was I asked what this meant and she dodged the question. In my wanting to believe her I did and so didn't push the matter.
We then had a weekend away a few weeks ago and it was more of the same. Imagine going away with someone who's so into you that time flies, the conversation flows but you're both comfortable in silence, you have amazing sex (mind blowing sex), and then you're sitting outside watching the stars and laughing so much that your belly and face hurts. Sounds perfect right? I thought so.
The next day we stopped at services on the way home and another pair of lesbians were in there. One of them went in for a coffee whilst her partner waited in the car. I was walking behind her carrying the coffee back and I saw the look on the ladies face when her partner came into view and they smiled at each other. You know when the air is fizzing and you know you're witnessing real love? It was that. Truly beautiful and I could see they were so deeply in love and so I said this.
Turns out that was not the right thing to say.
We had pretty much silence on the drive back home. I put it down to her being tired and also a bit sad to not be seeing each other for several weeks.
I texted when I was home and then the messages became less and less frequent, until it was more than 24 hours without a message.
What had I done?
I thought she needed space and so I gave it to her, but on Friday evening I just cracked. I had to know what I'd done. So I messaged her asking what had happened.
It turns out that she was conflicted over her feelings for me, she loved being with me and our time together, but she also doesn't want a relationship and so we've agreed to be friends.
When someone as amazing as she is comes into your life, it rocks your world. I wasn't expecting anything more and so when we had it, for the few weeks we did it was amazing. But as quickly as it was something, it then wasn't anything.
Do I regret giving into those feelings? Do I hell!
In life and love you have to give your all if you want to experience something that's authentic.
You're going to get hurt. Pure and simple.
When the heart is involved invariably someone is going to have feelings that aren't reciprocated. Someone is going to be into a relationship at some points more than you and you can either move away from them emotionally or you can keep being constant and hope that they start to feel the same.
I choose to keep giving love. For me love is the thing that makes life worthwhile.
I still believe in love.
I know that my true love is out there and when we meet we're going to have the best relationship we've both ever had.
We're going to be best friends.
We're going to support each others endeavours and dreams.
The sex will be amazing.
We'll have the belly laughs, the tears, the good times and the bad times.